Now, Where was I.....

I am still aghast at how fast my computer works now with High speed, it truly is horrifying to me just how slow my dial up Internet was in comparison. Shocking.

I am paying nearly the same amount per month...but with wireless the service is astronomically better.   That's right, dial up was costing me just pennies shy of $40 per month and now for unlimited high speed I pay $45 per month....and I have to buy Norton's for security.  But it is all well worth it to see how much Robt wants to browse the auctions and equipment sites....kinda funny....so we are thinking of getting a lap top too, so that he can browse while out in the living room.  we'll see, I say we won't even think of getting one until Christmas maybe....

I had an MRI two weeks ago today.....I even took an Ativan (Valium) but it was horrible....for some one with really bad claustrophobia, that whole coffin experience is horrendous....and then add to that being of heavier build and the tube was hideously tight...so tight that my arms, at my sides, went numb from the pressure being forced on them..I hyper ventilated...silently wept, bargained with myself and even hummed show tunes to try to endure the 60 minutes...yes 60 full minutes of hell..... with a very unsympathetic technician I might add. Who took it upon herself to remind how lucky I was that in my present physical "volume" to even be able to fit in the machine....honestly if I hadn't been squeezed into that tube from head to toe like breakfast sausage in sheep intestine  I might have tried to throttle her....but it did give me incentive to make it through the ordeal just so I could punch her in her smarmy fucking face....sadly though, by the time I was pulled out of the damned thing the only thing on my mind was getting the hell out of there and finding Robert....my rock..

As soon as she said i could sit up when ever I was ready....no easy feat on a board about 10 inches wide...with no edge to use as leverage...I resorted to throwing my legs in the air and swinging them down for ballast to raise my upper body...not a pretty picture I am sure but by this time I didn't give a shit who saw what....me in my little gown with only my panties on to preserve my sensibilities...hahahaha   she was blabbering on about results and how well I did, when I ripped the hair net off my head, and angrily tossed it in the trash as I staggered down the hall....I got a very bad electrical shock off the metal locker my clothing was in and the cloth curtain on the change cubicle kept trying to stick to me with static cling....I was desperate to get dressed and get outside so I could breath....and began swearing under my breath at the curtain...when the technician, who had come down the hall to get another victim....shrieks " now what's the matter ? "    so I said this f 'ing curtain won't stop clinging to me.   She told me to come out so I grabbed up my clothes...my pants were on but not done up and I was bare from the waist up with my clothing clutched to the front of me I was paraded across the inner waiting room (luckily with only two other women there waiting at the time) and shown into a cubicle with a wooden door....I got inside and fell against the wall, and had to take several deep breaths because I was on the verge of crying by this time.   I dressed, walked out to the outer waiting room for Robt and we both sprinted for the entrance of the hospital....once I hit the cool fresh air I lost it, I am embarrassed to admit I sobbed on Robts chest, and pretty much all the way home off and on.  I had bad dreams about it the first week and even now still have the odd nightmare about the whole thing....  I have sworn on my son Davids grave that I will never willing allow them to ever put me in that machine again....and if they want to sedate me or knock me out completely they will have to physically fight me to administer the drug... never, ever....I promised myself in there that I would never ever make myself do this again....I felt violated, raped and assaulted....it was like the intelligent adult part of me (my brain)  bullied my emotional, sensitive inner child to do something abhorrent, and violated the child's trust.   I still, when I think about how I felt in there and had to plead with my self to not lose my shit and start screaming, I had tears running down my face for Christs sake....that when reason wasn't working, I bullied and threatened....it was horrible....horrible.

I had a black eye last week....only 5 days after my MRI trauma....I was outside with Robt and we had just watched a cow birth her calf and we had decided to go to the house for our lunch....I turned and started to briskly walk back to my work shed to close the doors, I was off the beaten path and walked right into the end of a 16 foot wooden plank...that was leaned across a pile of wind fence boards...the far end of the plank was frozen in the ice and so the damned thing was immovable...it hit my face just below my right eye...on my cheek bone...split the skin a bit and my face instantly swelled up...my eye swelled shut and by morning was black and blue...with a deep red gash underneath that....oh I looked quite the sight...  I garnered some queer looks when I had to go to a couple of meetings later that week....I wanted to stay home but Robt made me accompany him....   The bruising is nearly gone now and the cut is healing.... but my cheek bone is still very tender....I wonder sometimes if I didn't fracture it.... Robt said he heard the WHACK of my hitting the board from where he stood.  I have to admit I barely remember that part at all...I was in shock, it was such a shocking thing to have happen and we had been having such a nice, lovely morning so far....hahahahaha 

Oh dear, I really am a handful, am I not ?