I Need Help, I Think

Okay, so this has been another busy week...was I complaining not that long ago that nothing ever happens here....be careful what you wish for should be my new motto.

The trip to Ponoka went smoothly, not like last time when R unloaded the cows and the last one off the trailer aimed projectile nervous runny manure at him...he was covered from head to toe with it and it reeked...all he had for a change of clothes was a pair of grease stained coveralls in the truck...which he intended to wear the rest of the day in the city, where we were heading after the auction mart...hahahaha I convinced him they would not let him into the restaurant dressed in those so he bought a pair of cotton slacks and a t shirt...ahhahaha he kept complaining about having to spend the money for clothes and I just said...he should have put the coveralls on before unloading then...

so from Ponoka on  tuesday we got home about 10 pm....and then were up again wednesday morning  bright and early to drive right back to the city for a doctor's appointment.  I was stressing out about this one because I had decided to get a bit aggressive with the doctor about my frustration with her and ask a bunch of tough questions about the reason I am taking these meds as well as the fact that I feel like I am getting the brush off between her and my family doc....when I bring up an issue I am having she says to talk to my fam. doc.  and when I bring it up with him he says to talk to my rheumatologist....arggghhhhh  how the hell am I suppose to know what to do, if they don't know what to do...sometimes, well actually most of the time...I just want to stop taking all the meds and let what happens happen. Probably nothing will, at least that is my theory.. I should never go to another doctor...and some day I will just drop dead...like we all will eventually anyway and then problem solved.... anyway I digress.

So the doctors appointment was as frustrating and a complete waste of time and money, just like I expected...she  told me she suspects I have fibromyalgia as well as Lupus....huh...I put my hand up to stop her talking and said I refuse to even acknowledge the fact that I have that...ten years ago I was sent to a pain specialist in the city( an asian doctor) and it was the most humiliating experience of my life... he walked into the room, asked me how much I weighted...hit my knee with a hammer, read over the letter my fam.doc. had sent with me...listing my pain issues and then he looked up and said, and I quote: " you don't have fibromyalgia, there isn't anything wrong with you that losing a hundred pounds or two wouldn't cure." end quote. I would have weighted about ten pounds if I did that.  

I told her that whether I have Fibromyalgia or not I don't want to know... I am not going to anymore specialists so just forget it.  By the time I got out of there I was so frustrated I could have screamed... I walked back to the truck...and R and I headed to IKEA..

..not R's best idea....(just for the record I loathe IKEA, not the stuff so much but the actual store and it's set up, that once they have you in the door you can't get back out without going through the store from start to finish...like a rat in a maze...

one way in one way out...)  So we were looking for office storage solutions...and we didn't have to walk to far into the store to find that section...there was very little selection and none of it what we were looking for...so I turned to go back out...and R said there are no stairs and the escalator was one way... (going down the escalator the wrong way was not an option...did that when I was teenager and it didn't end well) so I am once again....FRUSTRATED, and getting angrier...and the old demon claustrophobia kicks in and voila....a panic attack...and not just a little one...A MAJOR one... crying, shouting, pleading with R to get me the hell out of the store and he just stood there, either frozen in fear for his life or stunned by my bad behavior and trying to pretend he didn't know me...I still haven't figured out which...maybe both. I ended up power walking and even breaking into a run a couple of times, through the maze and found some stairs that took me downstairs to the ground level...I think they were for staff.  I didn't care...I zig zagged through all the nick nack shit that seemed never ending and saw a sign that said checkouts...I believe I ran in that direction....by this time I was gasping and crying and making a general "cake" of myself.  and finally I could see beyond the checkout lines, windows to the outside....I vaguely remember elbowing a couple of old ladies out of the way while they stood in line at the cashier...and made my way to the exit...once outside...I slowed down and finally stopped, gasping for fresh air..I eventually turned around to look for R and he was standing a few feet away... looking embarassed.  I bet he was, so was I...and still angry, however I never said a word....and we walked across the parking lot (R likes to park at the farthest possible point from the door) our truck...he got in and started it right away but I was reluctant to be inside ...so I just stood outside letting the hurricane force wind that was blowing that day, whip past me and dry the tears streaming down my face.... I have always had a problem with being in confined spaces...and I had felt so trapped and out of control there in the store...when I eventually got into the truck...I put my seat belt on and quietly asked "Please never make me go to that store again, please". I had told him I didn't think they would have what I was looking for...but he insisted we check it out.

I had had a slight problem the last time we had been there several years ago...and combined with the frustration and negative feelings I was having that day with the doctor it just wasn't a good combination. I am not kidding, they virtually keep you a prisoner hoping that while you tread the mile or two meandering pathway through their store you will surely find something you just can't live without....have I mentioned how much I hate shopping even on the best of days.  

Needless to say, I was emotionally drained and teetered on the edge of tears the rest of the day.  I told R I didn't want to look for the office stuff anymore...that in fact if we were totally honest with ourselves we really couldn't afford it anyway.

At the end of the day before we headed home we stopped for supper at our favorite Chinese...but R had arranged to meet friends there...and they were there when we arrived. The woman is a smarmy bitch, who loves to rub her children and grandchildren in my face....she always brings her grannies brag book of photo's to show off her two new grand babies...( you may think I am just being over sensitive here but wait, I have a reason) after showing me the pics and bragging how smart he two little grand babies are, they are either crawling early or talking already or just the most beautiful babies in the world...then she looks up and asks "how's junior?"  (she means my son, she calls him junior because his name is Rob and so is R's)  Like she doesn't know I haven't heard from him in months and that I haven't seen him in over a year...and he only lives a half an hour away....and that he doesn't have plans to ever have children with his partner. She goes on about how lovely her daughter in law is and how special her son treats her....She knows my sons partner doesn't like me....and so on and so on....by the time we had ordered our food...I wanted to push her off her chair and shout "shut the fuck up you fat cow...."  and R said before we got there that we weren't going to tell them about our Bull dying and all the problems we were having lately...because she is a notorious gossip and that everyone she knows will hear about our misfortune...but then while we were eating...what does he do....he tells them....everything...even about my panic attack in the store that day.... and then he could tell I was pissed off, I was shoving food in my mouth to keep from saying something spitefull....so he started moving the plates of food to the far side of the table...out of my reach.... OMG I got up and walked outside...they left and I got in the truck when R unlocked it...I never said a word...and when he stopped at walmart to grab some milk....what does he do...buys me a chocolate bar.....arrrgggghhhhhh...  I am going to stop now...this is turning into a R bashing session....I didn't want it to.. but some times the man can be so obtuse....

The moral of this story...if you don't want to see a grown woman cry...or get pushed off your chair... never take me to IKEA....ahahahahhaha   I am fine now....no really...