More of the Human Condition

I wish there was a law that made it illegal to play the martyr.  I mean, really people who do that should be kicked in the head.  People that play games and try to screw with others minds...them too...kicked in the head...hahahaha  I am in a bit of a violent mood tonight..

The moving of our larger bunch of cows with male calves went as well as can be expected....some dick brain thought it would be funny to steal our temporary fence from along the road...and who ever you are, I will find you....and kick YOU in the head too. Then when R got to the second crossroads and was trying to put up the barrier so cars would have to stop and not hit our cows....a bunch of vehicles went by and he very nearly DID NOT get to his quad in time to stay ahead of the cows....and our cows are kinda funny in that if you are following behind them and want to get to the lead...good luck...they will spread out on the road or run like banshees to stay ahead...I nearly rolled my quad once trying to get ahead and head them off when the went past the gate they were supposed to go in and continued down the road and nearly ended up in the neighbours fancy yard....cunts!!!  One black blaze faced cow took a bit of a detour....she went down into the ditch, through the fence and into a neighbours paddock of horses...put them all on the run and then made a new hole coming back out onto the road...when none of the other cows followed her...thank god. Eventually, we did get them out to the pasture...but they were not happy, they had to pass through a cultivated field first to get to the grass and when they realized they were knee deep in dirt instead of lush green grass, well, you'd think we'd slit their throats they way they were carrying on.  R had to go back in and lead them to the grass...or they would have stood around all night complaining.

Afterwards R headed up north to check the solar waterer and make sure it was working right and I headed towards home to take down the temporary fence and roll up the ribbon....I have wanted to buy a winch for the quad that would turn the spool but am still doing it by hand.... that is 3/4's of a mile of ribbon to roll back up on spools...my arms feel like rubber...and of course, R showed up just as I tied the knot in the last spool to keep it from unwinding...that happens a lot too....If I were a suspicious kind of person I wou sometimes suspect him of sitting up on the hill a mile away and waiting until I am nearly done before heading home....if I were the suspicious type mind you.

I am in quite a quandary today, since R announced this morning that he was taking me to the city for the day, tomorrow, all day, to celebrate my birthday I imagine... and I laughed...because (and here comes the martyr part)  I have wanted to go for quite sometime but said " you know, we don't have to go, we could stay home and you could start your field work", but I really wanted to go....and he said "No, we're going, even thought I am so far behind with my work I think I'm first."  and he would really rather not go....ahhahaha we are both so crazy...  I can't very well say we're not going, you have too much work to do, when he just wants to do something nice for me....how can you get made at him for that, even though he is the most unorganized, procrastinator I have ever had the misfortune of knowing....

Any way, back to the human condition.....

I just have to shake my head because it would appear that unless I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown and about to lose my mind, I am easily forgotten... that since I have stopped crying, I must be alright and we don't really have to make those changes we talked about...for a whole hour...that's right...we talked about making some monumental lifestyle changes for about an hour...whether I shall see any of them implemented is another thing altogether.  

I could just walk away, which is what my Doctor suggested I do, but I love the guy...i just can't take the stress of farming anymore...

R yells at me for staying to long outside in my flowers....but thinks nothing of having me out for hours cutting or baling hay or working the cattle...

My Doctor is harassing me to bring him the CPP disability forms for him to fill out...he is adamant that I am disabled and should be getting pension....I am reluctant, because I am not sure how it will affect my CPP pension when I turn 60....but someone has told me they are related....I will have to investigate more.... Doctor says "you are disabled....don't argue.....you can't do any farm work anymore, or shouldn't be....and you can't work a job in a store or office....you don't know when you will have a bad day...and you are exhausted and confused."

I am very frustrated with the whole health thing....Doctors are the bane of my existence right now....always telling you the things you can't do...can't eat, can't, can't, can't........why don't they tell you what you CAN do. I often feel like just telling them to all shag themselves and stop taking all the meds...you have to die sometime...why not just let what will happen, happen...I'm miserable, I'm making everybody else miserable....it would be a good thing, at least that is how I feel sometimes....but ultimately, I just wish the clock would turn back to when I was healthy, capable and oblivious.....hahahaha  They say when finding out you have a life altering disease, there are different stages you must go through, like the grieving process....fear, denial, anger, acceptance....I seem to be stuck on the anger part....for a couple of years now....bitter, angry and no where near accepting....I have three diseases to deal with and am obviously not doing so well with that.  I am a little bitter about having to shelf some of my more ambitious retirement goals.... canoeing....hiking, cycling, and travelling, since the only place I could travel to and be comfortable outside is INUVIK in the winter when they have 24 hour darkness....ahahahahahahaha  I guess I could take up spelunking(caving exploring) but you see if I do those kinds of things I can't move for days afterward and have horrible pain. I could rant and rave about not having had a chance to live my life yet...but all it would make me do is cry some more...and god only knows I have shed enough tears in my life...