No Good News

I haven't written sooner because I am trying to come to terms with some unsettling news I got yesterday morning from my doctor.... so I will start from the beginning...it is more whining of course, so bear with me...

I have a problem with my left ankle... never my right one, only the left...  a few times a year it swells up to freakish proportions and is very very sore...even just brushing lightly on the skin near my ankle is excruciatingly painful.... I thought it was something to do with the arthritis... and lately wondered if it were to do with the diabetes..and that soon I could expect ulcers and open sores...ewwwwhhhh

Any way this summer it has been more often swollen and sore than it has been normal... not so great looking when you want to wear Capri's.... people automatically assume it is because you are so fat....but then it would be both ankles right ?   Anyway... I was just recovering from a rather painful bout of this swelling and it was down to normal size and only a bit tender....when on Thursday morning I awoke feeling pretty good...R was gone outside already and I got a chance to awaken slowly, I like that...I stretched and yikes....~!!!!!!  I felt a sharp pain in my left ankle...and it began to throb....  we were headed to the city that day so I sucked it up and got ready...but I could tell it was swelling and getting more painful by the hour.... by late afternoon I could barely stand the pain and was forcing myself to take every step...

I have a phobia about becoming one of those very overweight ladies who waddle or throw their weight from leg to leg to be able to walk.... so limping is very embarrassing for me...and I tried to walk through the big box stores with as little limp as possible..which only made it worse...because my hips and knees started getting sore from walking so unnaturally...by supper time I was near tears....we cut the rest of our shopping off and headed home...I rested my foot on the seat between us on the drive home and my foot looked like a big fat puffy pastry with my toes looking like little cocktail weenies sticking out of it... R was appalled at how swollen it had gotten... but the right was normal..no swelling no pain...eventually my  whole leg swelled up and had edema. (water under the skin)

ON Friday morning R took me to outpatients to see a doctor....luckily for me the doc on call was my family doctor...whoo hooo....he had the ankle x-rayed... and came back to my room shaking his head.... R and I were waiting to hear how I needed to lose weight or the diabetic meds weren't working....etc.... not what he said, that's for sure....he said " Girl, you just have to worst luck, and I hate having to keep giving you all this bad news...."  well at this point I thought he was going to tell me I had bone cancer or something like that...." the fibular bone in your left ankle is eroded away at the bottom where it joins with the tibia to bracket the ankle bone in your foot...so the ligaments holding the joint together are being stretched because your ankle wants to roll out of the socket the tibia and fibula bones create...and when you stretched yesterday morning, the ligaments stretched and tore junks of the compromised fibular bone away... I suspect that your disease is the cause...for the bone deterioration."    I have to admit that took me by surprise.... and R was very upset...and was asking all kinds of questions....  I think I was in a bit of shock...but he continued on,  " there isn't anything I can do about it... you can't take anti-inflammatory because of your other meds... you could try wearing an ankle brace but you can't do that 24/7, taller boots that lace up tight will help when you are outside...but otherwise...it will just continue worsening...until the bone will either fracture, splinter or worst case scenario....your ankle will roll out of the joint and break... so I recommend the brace...  There is some surgery for severe cases, they do bone grafting...but given your disease...that would be very risky....so I hate to tell you this kiddo but you will eventually use a cane, then a walker and finally a wheelchair...  so do what you can, while you can...."  and I said " well there goes my dream of scaling K2  when I retire .... hahahahaha   it also explains why I have so much trouble being consistent on the tread mill.....I do it one day, it feels wonderful....and I get all motivated and then my bloody ankle goes AWOL and I can't walk for a week....

I asked to be sent to a diabetic counselling session 4 hours a day for 5 days....and they will examine everything from my eating to my exercise and medications and lifestyle...so it should help, I intend to ask about types of exercise I can do that won't flare up the ankle... swimming I know will be the first choice...but I tried that for 8 months and the driving drove me insane....and it was expensive...I know, I know....how can I put a price on my health...  it is an excuse I know....mostly it was the driving on the freeway  the only classes were at 6:30 am drive an hour there and an hour back for a 45 min. class....I could swim laps but the pool is super busy and I can not keep up with the other swimmer I would have to share a lane with....I tried it...so I know...  Oh well hopefully they can help me work something out.... Moving closer to a bigger town would help...but that isn't going to happen...so we will make do...

so I am going to be a cripple some day in the future...I saw the xray myself, it looked bad....mmmm what next....

An addendum to the Murphy bed story...I started loading stuff back into the room today...and the f ' ing TV doesn't fit in its allotted cupboard... shit....in the mean time, we scratched the front of the shelf trying to get it in....grrrrrrrrr...  I quit... it was either that or start crying....why oh why can't just one thing go the way it is suppose to... and be easy...Why...why..why .. why.. why