Oh Damn, a Bad Day

The pain and fakery are wearing me down.  I have days like this often, when I just can't be bothered to pretend... keep up appearances... I feel like crap, I am mad and angry and frustrated and hate life in general.  Give me a reason not to...live in my shoes for a week and then tell me I have a great life.... Oh, I know I should be grateful for the roof over my head...that I don't have to have a 9-5 kind of job, my current husband doesn't beat me, or drink, or womanize...but that is about it...  I have a nice house but what comfort does that bring, when I spend all my time alone here...it turns into a prison... what good the nice husband when he is so nice he won't confront problems but sticks his head in the sand...I don't want rip roaring fights, I would hate that...but at least be up front and honest in his feelings...are we ever going to leave the farm...YES or NO...if yes then I have hope and a goal to work towards, something to look forward to...make plans....if no then I need to make some decisions to better MY life, be it on the farm of off the farm...with him or without him. 

My life is limbo...waiting ...waiting waiting.....

I wait for R to get his work done and spend time with me...
I wait for R to get his work done so we can work on my things....I have to wait for him to lift things. When I decide to just do them myself...I never get far....he has totally disorganized the tools to the point where I can't find anything and would waste all day looking...so I wait until he comes home to tell me where things are...
This is one of the most frustrating things about my life....I am a super organized kind of person, some would even say anal....hahahaha  try living with the exact opposite kind of person, someone who uses something, lays it down and never puts it back...so he has to buy a new one to replace it because he can't remember where he left the first one...When I first met R and his parents...I thought his father was an asshole...he wrote his name on all HIS tools and then hid them....Now after 17 years I know why he did that...and I can sympathize...I would even go one step further and put them in a tool chest and lock it...and never tell him where the key is...he can have his set of tools and me mine...It used to be like that...when we first were together...I had a complete collection of all the tools one would need to farm...when I moved here from my farm...but over the years he has broken them, lost them or taken them over....I bought a shed to put my stuff in and to keep my table saw in...and work in...but it is nearly empty of tools now, and taken over with empty oil pails, pails of used black oil and recycling crap...in fact so is my garden shed, the wood shed and the garage.....hahahahaha  Oh, he has a shop in the other yard...but he just drops stuff where he used it....and it drives me bloody insane...and so on bad days.... it just becomes too much...hahahaha and this post is the result.

This is turning into a husband bashing session and I didn't mean it to.  Because in spite of his many horribly annoying bad habits...I still love him...and I know he loves me in spite of the negative personality changes I have undergone....

so feel sorry for him if you like, but just don't tell me about it...because I know that he is taking the brunt of my frustration and anger....but who the hell else can I rail at....God....(insert sound of disgust)   there is no such thing as God.  There, I said it...I have thought it for a long time now and finally I have said it out loud and in written word...THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS GOD   It is all just a farce made up by the Catholic church, the better to control the masses....  We make our fate,  bad shit happens to everyone..everywhere in the world...every day ....  and there's nothing we can do about it.  You live through it, get over it, and brace yourself for the next onslaught of bad shit.

Any way I digress,  I was waiting....waiting....waiting...I wait for him to come for a meal, even after he says to have it ready at a certain time I still wait, sometimes hours for him to come and eat it...I just eat alone and get on with my day...but I am thinking of feeding his to the dogs...there are two things wrong with that plan....first, he takes the dogs with him most of the time..so they are late too.....and he would probably not notice my rebellion but just blithely make himself a sandwich...or open a can of beans...totally oblivious to my attempts to make a statement. Cause he is just that kind of guy...you know, one of those people who can just cruise through life oblivious to the stress, life is good, la de da, la de da....bla bla bla bla bla......food in his belly, clean clothes, sex, what more does a man need.....hahahahaha  he's out side doing what he loves, in the home he grew up in, family close by when he has to see them, he's got it made... and then there is me...  stressing out enough for the both of us...I pay the bills, do the bank balance so I know just how bad things are...I can't just close my eyes and pretend it isn't happening... skip through life like it's a field of daisies with butterflies and blue birds flitting about....I have no family close by, I don't care if I never had sex again in this life time, and I am the one who has to provide the clean clothes and food....

so there is no escaping for me...where the hell would we end up if we both stuck our heads in the sand...fucked, that's where we would be.... up to our eyeballs in debt, unable to pay the bills ......OH HELL.... a light bulb just went off in my head...because all those things are happening anyway, with or without me stressing out about it...ahahahahahaha I really am insane. Can you know if you are insane...or are you to insane to realize....hmmmm I've often wondered... like if you are depressed, wouldn't you be too depressed to know it...  ooops, I digress again... 

So how does one go about changing ones personality type....I want to be a head in the sand kind of person, to go through what's left of my life with blinders on...singing..."don't worry, be happy" and damn the consequences.... Watch me